Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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