ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize