I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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