How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
