apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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