If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
