When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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