You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
