If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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