I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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