my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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