My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize