so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
