You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
