dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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