You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
