Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
