I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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