The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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