In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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