I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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