road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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