Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
