I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
