Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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