I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
