So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
