My nipple is on Facebook.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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