We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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