atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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