I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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