How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
