Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
