So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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