i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
