You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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