I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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