who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
