does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
