I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
