I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
