Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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