Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
