Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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