They should really pass out barf bags in church
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
