No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
