it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
