my phone needs a breathalizer
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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