So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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