She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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