O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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