I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
