bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
