I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
