my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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