my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
