She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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