I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
