i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize